Prozac

Fun fact about me-I’m medicated. Isn’t that fun? I’m the loser that needs help to make it through her daily life. I hate being on medication because it makes me feel like I’m helpless and I hate feeling helpless. And what’s even worse is that I’m still anxious and depressed on my medication. You know in the song “1985” by Bowling for Soup? “One Prozac a day”. That’s me now. And if that’s not just a cruel joke, then I don’t know what is. When I was younger I used to look at my siblings and swear I would never be like them. I would never be sad, I would do everything right, and I’d always make my parents proud of me. I was so off. I’m a hot mess and I feel like I’ve done pretty much everything I could to be as close to perfect as possible. I’m so far from it though and I feel like I don’t do anything right. My parents say their proud of me, but I know they’re disappointed. The daughter they thought would make it through college with a 4.0, the daughter they thought would definitely end up with a man, and the daughter they thought would continue on as a Catholic. So pretty much I’ve let them down in the only areas of life that matter to them. So much for being their pride and joy. I’m constantly torn between being upset that I let them down and being mad because it’s my life and they should let me do whatever the fuck I want. But I guess that’s what the Prozac is for, huh? The medicine that is supposed to make all this shit bearable. Because clearly I can’t do it by myself. Well I guess I probably should stop throwing myself this pity party. That would be the mature thing to do. So…peace out people. Have a good week! 🙂

My Girl

Where do I even start? You walked into my life just a few short months ago and I had no idea that you would end up becoming my everything. We started as just coworkers and I never thought I’d be lucky enough for you to be more than that. Mostly because I didn’t think I could ever admit that I was into a girl. Guess that’s history. You are my girl now- and I love it. Even from the time we said we had feelings for each other, it has been the best days of my life. I have never let myself get carried away like this, I have never let myself fall in love, and I have never cared about someone so whole heartedly. It all has been a whirlwind, but a beautiful whirlwind. I fell for you so fast and I have no regrets. You are all I’ve ever wanted and I am totally confident in that. The way you kiss me makes me feel like you will never stop loving me and thinking I’m beautiful. The way you text me every morning and ask how many hours of sleep I got the night before shows me that you care about my well-being. The way that you hold me when I am upset shows me that you have me. You know me and you have my back. I have been fighting against all of this so hard because that is what I know. I know that people hurt you, change their mind, and leave. You. You are different. You are not like that and I am slowly starting to aknowledge that. You are not someone I fear because I know you and I know you love me. Never have I ever felt that before. Never have I felt that I was loved like this and that I am what matters. You have changed my life in the shortest period of time. You have changed me. You are the love of my life and I never plan on letting this love burn out. You mean everything to me and I cannot wait to see all the future holds for us. I love that you are my girl.

2017 and I’m Back

Hey everyone! I haven’t written in so long, I hate it. Fun fact, I stopped blogging because my boyfriend found my account and I was pretty scared of him. That fear is not completely gone, but I’m done letting that one fear control me. So I should update you on me. Oh gosh where do I begin. I graduated high school believe it or not. I’m a sophomore in college now and am double majoring in Special Education and Secondary History Education. I have made so many new, great friends that I love to death. I used to write a lot about my anxiety and depression, and unfortunately, that is still a big part of my life. I’m seeing a girl. I never thought that would happen! But she’s actually nice to me. She actually cares and I sometimes don’t know how to handle it. It’s good for me to be away from home, but it’s really hard for me. I think its good though because now I have to be so much more independent, and I’m KINDA getting the hang of it. Not much, but I know I’ll get there. Even though this is a short post because I’m in the library “doing homework”. I’m glad I did this. I feel a bit better. I’m gonna be good about this! I need to write and I want to share things with the world. So if any of you actually read this, you’re not alone. If you feel like you’re falling apart-I’m somewhere hoping you make it. And I know you will cause you are all strong! Have a good day guys! 🙂

Aside

I was going through some of my old journals a few days ago and I stumbled upon this piece. If you read through all of the points I made, you can see I was quite young when I wrote this. I wanted to reflect on this. My idea on “What Makes the Perfect Girl” has changed a great deal. I don’t think I can sum it all up in one sitting, but I’m going to try and hit on some of the main points. To start off, this is my original piece.

What Makes the Perfect Girl

  • no glasses
  • always has her fingernails and toenails done in a French Manicure
  • cool clothes
  • wears makeup
  • perfect hair
  • flip cell phone with pink rhinestones on it
  • funky pink room
  • rich
  • two-piece swimsuit
  • skinny
  • hot boyfriend
  • goes to fancy places on dates
  • allowed to go to the mall by herself
  • goes on cruises
  • goes out of state for vacation
  • can stay up till eleven o’clock
  • sleeps in
  • funny
  • pretty

That makes the perfect girl.

The perfect girl? Is that even a thing? Well, what do I think points a girl in the direction of perfect girl? Here goes.

What Makes the Perfect Girl-Revised

  • funny
  • smart
  • independent
  • kind
  • outgoing
  • happy
  • knows what she wants in life
  • talented

While I know I missed many important points, this is all I can handle right now(I’m exhausted). It just goes to show how much people change; how much I change. It’s kind of crazy. I think I like my second list a whole lot better though. I feel like I’m getting closer to the idea of “perfect”, even if I don’t really believe in it.

 

 

Aside

Why now? Is it just a bad day? A bad week? I feel so unhappy. No one trusts anyone. And with good reason. Everyone talks shit, lies to everyone’s face, you never know what’s actually happening, who’s being truthful or not. I feel like it’s gotten so much worse lately-and I don’t know why. But I hate it. I want to see my therapist.

Living

Walking outside

A beautiful night

Shorts and flip-flops

We get in the car and back out

We roll down the windows

The wind is slapping against my face

I feel free.

I turn to my left and look at the driver

My partner in crime, my everything-my sister.

Been there for me through it all

always will be.

We start driving down the hill

The sky is a gray blue from the setting sun

It’s beautiful.

I stick my hand out the wind

and feel

the wind blowing against my body.

The radio is turned up.

Listening to the Goo Goo Dolls

“Today’s the day I’ll make you mine,

so get me to the church on time.”

I close my eyes.

All the cares in my world are gone.

I don’t care that I’m broke,

that I can no longer control my life.

I open my eyes.

I’m living.

I’m feeling.

This is it.

This. This is life.

Feeling, breathing, happiness.

It is so clear to me.

After all the times of wondering what I am looking for

I have found it.

Even if it was just for those brief few moments,

I found it.